Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
