So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I CAN MOONWALK!
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
