Small penises have feelings too.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
