If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
