And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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