i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
