so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
