if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
