my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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