Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
