I'd wear matching sweaters with you
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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