Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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