dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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