Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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