I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
