Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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