im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
