you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
it's like heaven, but drunker
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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