i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
