Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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