ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
