so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
