She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize