she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
