Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
