The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
