How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My ATM looks so different sober.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
