I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
