mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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