onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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