well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
