Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
