did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
