Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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