i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
