my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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