What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
