I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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