he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize