Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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