I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
