I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
