I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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