hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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