When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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