Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
