just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
