Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
