My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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