I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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