its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
