my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
