apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
