I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
