roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
