my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
