how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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