My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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