I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have feelings that need drinking.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
