did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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