dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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