Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
