well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
